


bursting loud from inside

by ladedanixie



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:02:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23443657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladedanixie/pseuds/ladedanixie
Summary: Caleb's in danger, and Essek comes to the rescue best he can.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 8
Kudos: 147





	bursting loud from inside

**Author's Note:**

> First shadowgast fic, and longest fic I have written to date. Rather proud of myself. P.S. the title's from "My love will never die" by Hozier because while every ship's a hozier ship, shadowgast really takes the cake in my opinion. Maybe I'll make sure every fic I write about these two have hozier lyrics as the title. Anyway hope y'all enjoy.
> 
> P.S.S. Shout out to essek but w snake bites(martin) on the essek discord. Thanks for reading my fic over, and also encouraging its creation. This one's for you pal.

It seems well into the fight by the time Essek drifts his way out of his quarters. Fire blazes across the center square. Smoke obscures the sky, and the smell of charred flesh fills Essek’s nostrils. He’s several hundred feet from the flames and the fight, but he can still feel the intensity of the heat from this distance. It’s licking along his face and arms, leaving him numb with disbelief as he watches Caleb exchange arcane blows with a scourger. 

His eyes dart frantically over the scene. The rest of the Mighty Nein are scattered throughout the square. All of them engaged with various other opponents. Essek floats there uselessly as he watches all of it fall apart and his friends… his friends fall apart with it. A split second of absorption and he can hardly process anything but the fact that his eyes continue to fall on Caleb, trying to keep him in view. 

With Caleb in his sight, Essek drifts into the last vestiges of sunlight. It’s sunset, bathing everything in flame. He squints and winces away from the light. A moment is all it takes for him to nearly miss it...if it weren’t for Veth’s scream. It is a guttural, shrill shriek that shakes him to his core. Sunlight barely hurts in comparison to the shock of seeing Caleb fall to the ground. 

He drops the spell, and Essek almost swears that his feet hit the ground with the same weight; the sound reverberates through his body as he breaks into a run. Veth and the others are too far away. Most couldn’t run to him if they wished, blocked off by their opponents. 

The scourger: a human man with close cropped hair approaches Caleb’s unconscious body. His entire left half is a blackened mess, yet his face is a mask of grim determination as he marches forward. His sword begins to crackle with arcane energy. Fear, cold and insidious floods his heart and Essek doubles his speed. A moment too late is something he cannot begin to entertain. 

Essek starts muttering incantations under his breath. The man brings up his weapon and arcs it down in one swift movement. Simultaneously, Essek utters one last syllable, drawing his hand in a forceful upward motion and suspending the man up into the air. Blood thunderous in his ears, Essek closes his fist, watching the man crumple like paper. He barely registers the sickening squelching and snapping of bone and flesh, his attention focused on Caleb. Essek tosses the scourger away and falls to his knees by Caleb’s side. 

Caleb’s face is slick with sweat, filth, and blood. He watches a pool of crimson forms beneath him, taking any color on Caleb’s face along with it. Essek looks him over, quietly panicking and cursing under his breath. At a loss at what to do, he moves to touch him, but Essek falters. His mind races, offering up flashes of Beau and Veth’s anger and of his inadequacies as a self proclaimed friend. Caleb had been free with his touches and affection despite his reserved nature. Yet, after all he had done, how could Essek think to do the same even now. He has no healing powers to speak of, nor any potions he could use. How could he justify touching him when there's nothing he can offer. Essek pats himself down, desperately hoping that he might find something, anything that could help Caleb. Finding nothing, Essek stares at his empty hands. What power he wields may have prevented a killing blow, but beyond that….He’s not Caduceus… or Jester. He’s not like any of them. He is far from good, far from kind. He knows all of this to be true. But, he also knows he cares for these people, more than he could have ever imagined. Protective Fjord. Brash Beau. Gentle Yasha. Boisterous Jester. Clever Veth. Wise Caduceus. And then there’s Caleb, a flame much brighter than any of the shadows that lurk in either of their hearts. He’s not willing to fail them, not again. Especially not him.

Tears burn, tugging at the edges of his vision. It’s strange, it no longer seems as foreign as it once did to him anymore. His hands tremble, and he lets a choked, wet laugh escape as he looks upon Caleb’s face. Blood continues to pool around him, soaking Essek’s knees. He watches Caleb’s chest rise and fall more shallowly with each breath. Helplessness threatens to drown him. 

“Caleb,” Essek says, attempting to swallow his tears and regrets, “Please… I need to— I can’t show you what you’ve taught me if you’re gone.”

A flash of blue, ruffles, and a string of distressed “ohnohnohnohno!” jolts Essek out his thoughts as Jester plops down on the other side of Caleb. Caught up in her panic, she barely spares him a glance, and places her hands on Caleb. Green divine energy threaded through with tendrils of pink surge from her hands into Caleb, enveloping him in its light. A moment passes and Caleb’s breath evens out. Essek stares down at Caleb overwhelmed by a torrent of conflicting emotions ranging from relief to a deep sadness. 

“Essek.”

He looks up, his gaze meeting with Jester’s. She looks at him like she can see through him, like she would take this from him if she could. And Essek knows Jester would. She’d even bear the burden as jovially as that hot pink horror she always wears on her back. 

She smiles at him, fragile around the corners. “He’s gonna be ok. I promise.”

It’s only once she says the words that Essek really understands it, realizing that there are tears running down his face. Warmth curls at the base of his heart. He smiles back.

“Thank you, Jester. It would seem that you do have something worth teaching. ...Actually, you always did.”

Jester's magenta eyes soften, sinking with exhaustion borne from much more than their battle. What kind of exhaustion, Essek cannot tell.

Her lips tremble as she replies, "You are very welcome!" 

Her smile is twice as bright as she says it. It’s hard not to want to return such energy, Essek thinks, remembering the hug she managed to weasel out of him. Though, he can’t help the traitorous thought that emerges as his eyes stray to Jester’s hands resting on Caleb’s arm, recalling also the amusement he saw on Caleb’s face when she had done it. It is no wonder he looks at her that way. He bows his head before any of his thoughts telegraphs on his face. Jester is not at fault for his jealousy, nor does she deserve to bear any of his burdens or hold any guilt over his feelings. Jester deserves better, and so does Caleb. 

Essek says nothing more, taking some solace from the peace and the semblance of being surrounded by his friends, who are safe and sound. 

While they sit in that moment, quiet and still, Essek gathers himself, preparing to pick up the pieces of the fallout when Veth yells out again.

"You! You get away from him you— you— you awful person, you!"

Veth, bloodied and furious, stands behind them, her crossbolt aimed right at Essek. The rest of the nein are gathered behind her, just as beaten. Beau stands, just to the left, looking disapproving and— tired. The others seem various shades of uncomfortable and resigned. Jester yelps, bouncing to her feet. “Veth! Please don’t shoot him with your crossbow thingy! He saved him, Veth. Really! I saw it, cross my heart!” 

“Jester step aside.”

Seeing this unfold, Essek finds that the sting of mistrust isn’t any less painful than it was before. How simple care works, how hurt works; a pinwheel gently turning with the give of the winds, continuing to blow him further away from who he once was. The tears don’t really stop, but Essek makes to stand and step away regardless. 

A groan halts them. All eyes dart to Caleb, who begins to lift himself off the ground. He blinks once, twice, coming to coherence. Essek is stock still, afraid to even breathe as Caleb’s eyes focus on him. “Essek?” he says and winces, “Scheisse.” He brings a hand to cradle his forehead, partially wiping away blood. Veth runs over to him with a cloth at the ready. 

“It’s alright, Caleb,” Essek finds himself saying, “Please lie down, the battle is over. You’re safe.” 

Veth readies to snap at him when Caleb pats her face in an effort to dissuade the action. He does this almost drunkenly, missing her face on the second try and instead brushing her braid. Veth reluctantly relents, with an ease that surprises Essek. Caleb thanks her and turns his attention back to Essek who is still kneeling by his side. He reaches out a hand, and that ever present shame causes Essek to look away, still too afraid to meet Caleb’s disappointment? kindness? head on. But once again, Caleb’s hands find him, they always find him, and gently have him meet his gaze. 

His cornflower blue eyes are hard, but gentle, the same color of skies that Essek cannot walk under unless he wants to risk pain. Caleb wipes his tears away with the pad of his thumb. “None of that. ...Did you save me?”

Essek wants to speak, but finds his mouth dry, eyes instead directing Caleb toward Jester, but eventually he finds his words. “I only dispatched with your assailant, Jester’s the one who— “ Caleb presses his hand against his face, cupping it in a way that Essek can’t help but lean into. 

He forces him to meet his eyes again, and holds him there, building tension for what seems like eternity until Caleb breaks it with a small smile, brittle but sincere. “Thank you, Essek, for saving me.”

Essek, hyper aware of Caleb’s hand on his skin, and of his blood still soaking into his clothing, smiles back. He wouldn’t do any less. “Anytime.”

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
